How can you think this?

I had lunch with a friend this week.  She is a 31 year old stay at home mother of 3 young children.  As I sat across from her in a booth, the conversation shifted from kids, to husbands, to family, to clothes, to love, to church, to boxing, back to kids, over to college and then settled on health and fitness.  As my friend spoke of her frustration with her weight gain and her love for her past running regimen, her eyes grew sad and weary and with a sigh she said quietly, “I constantly battle with self doubt.  I constantly tell myself I can’t do anything.  I know it’s wrong but that’s what my mind keeps saying to me.”

 

In my business, I hear this all the time from women.  So why do women think they can’t do something?  What happened somewhere along the course of their lives that made them believe those words?  Did their parents just not encourage them?  Magazines?  TV?  Internet?  Where are women getting this mindset?  Having trained many men and women over the course of my career, women have the ability to do any exercise men can do.  Yes, there is usually a weight difference between men and women, but there is no question a woman can execute the same exercise as a man.  The difference?  Mindset.  Most women don’t THINK they can do it.   The man will just grab the weight and do it without thinking.  But a woman will say, “Oh man, that looks hard, I can’t do that.”  As a trainer, I’ve found in most women that the fear of failure is greater than the desire to succeed.   

 

When I was very young and began talking, I was a negative little toddler.  I was always saying, “I can’t” in response to anything.  Mom finally got sick of my whining and negativity so she sat me down and said, “Listen to me, Cristy Lyn:  You are NOT ‘Cristy-I-can’t.  You are Cristy-I-can.’”  Something changed in me at that very moment.  It was like a switch went off in my brain.  I looked at mom and repeated, “No, I’m not ‘Cristy-I-can’t; I’m Cristy-I-can!!!’”  From that very instant, I have always believed that I can do anything.  Never has there been a trace of self-doubt or questioning.  I knew I could do whatever I wanted.  In my mind, I put on a superhero cape and never took it off.

 

As I sat across from my friend at lunch, I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth!  When I look at her, I see a beautiful, young, vibrant woman who is smart and funny.  But she doesn’t see this.  My friend, like most women, doesn’t believe in herself.   But as powerful as those damming, crippling negative thoughts can be, I have confidence in her ability to push past that.  

 

So I say to my young moms, my teenage nieces, my empty nesters, my fellow cyclists, my family, my clients:  You can do it.  And if you find yourself downcast, questioning, hesitating then draw strength from me.  I believe in you and I will not waiver in that.  In the end, you will be the only one surprised by your success.

There are 2 types of moms

There are 2 types of moms:

 

Over the past year, my clientele has shifted.  I have seen a huge increase of women in their 50’s enlist my help to tackle their fitness goals.  Today, 80% of my roster is in this group.  My theory?  These are menopausal women dealing with major hormone shifts and they’re not feeling good about themselves.  As their bodies change with age, they see (now more than ever) the value and need for good proper weight training, proper diet and they are willing to work hard for it.  That’s why they hire me.

 

One of the many perks of my job is getting to know my wonderful clients personally.  A common denominator I’ve noticed among these 50-something moms is that most of them are empty nesters and they are dealing with not having any children to care for anymore.  Some of them deal with it pretty rough and others have a smooth transition into this next phase of life. 

 

I’ve observed that there are 2 types of moms:  a mom whose life revolves around her children and a mom whose life has a healthy balance.

 

My mom said something to us girls years ago and it has influenced me to this day.  I don’t remember exactly what brought on mom’s speech but I’m CERTAIN we were out of line and had it coming.  She had finally had enough and sat us down and said, “Listen to me very closely.  My life does not revolve around you girls.  I was not put on this earth to wait on you hand and foot.  It is not my one and only job in life to serve you.  Your father and I had been together years before you came along and we’ll be together years after you leave the house.  We love you girls more than you’ll ever know but you are only part of what makes our lives happy.  Your dad and I are not slaves to you.  We all have a role in this family and we work together as a team.  So be ready to pull your own weight around here and stop acting like you are the only thing that matters on this green earth.”

 

Now, some of you just read that and your jaw hit the floor.  And some of you were nodding your head the whole time in agreement.  Those of you mortified by my mom’s reality speech are the women whose life revolves around your kids.  You probably think by waiting on your kids hand and foot you’re being a great mom, but your life shouldn’t revolve around any one thing.  Especially not something that grows up and leaves you in 18 short years.  Then where are you?  Heartbroken, lost with no life, no hobbies, no identity.  You still have the rest of your life to live and you have no idea how to live it.  You have no idea who you are.

 

Mom’s words to us that day hit me like a ton of bricks.  I learned that she chose my dad for a reason and loves him as much as us girls.  I learned that her marriage to him was just important as raising us.  I learned that my parents are individuals, lovers and best friends and that part of her happiness comes from making him happy.  I learned that she beams with pride when watching us sing at church, win an award or even just sit and visit with us as adult women.  But she also is an accomplished actress, great at her job and beautiful and she takes pride in those things, too.  Mom has kept a good balance between motherhood, being a wife, working full time, church, friends, etc.… throughout my childhood and the key word here is BALANCE.

 

To the young moms out there I say to you:  Although is very difficult, you need to keep your own identity as an individual.  You’re not just someone’s mother; you are MANY things so don’t lose sight of that.  I encourage you to take time for yourself, nourish other relationships outside of your kids and keep up a hobby.  All too easily, the walls of your home can feel like they’re caving in on you.  Pretty soon 6 months turns into 6 years and your babies are grown and gone. I also have found that these women quite often put their husbands on the bottom of the priority list while raising the children.  You must foster love and passion within your marriage so your husband doesn’t spend years being hurt, resentful and ignored.

 

If you are experiencing an empty nest and are battling depression, not feeling needed anymore or feeling like your life doesn’t have purpose, here are some observations I’ve made that might help you cope and move on:

 

1.     Start exercising

2.     Get a new hairstyle

3.     Go get your makeup done by a professional.  Learn how to do it yourself.

4.     Go buy some new clothes that are up-to-date, fashionable and fit you properly.

5.     Take a class to learn how to do something you know nothing about

6.     Join a group of people who do your hobby (i.e. cycling, horseback riding, quilting, cooking, etc.…)

7.     Find something you and your husband enjoy and DO IT together!  Even if you have to take lessons (like dancing, cooking classes, etc.)

 

Yes, you chose to have children and yes you owe them a good life, but not at the expense of your own.  Let your kids see what I got to see growing up: a balanced, happy mom whose self worth was not determined by if a 3 year old thought the mac n’ cheese was creamy enough.  You should derive happiness and satisfaction from raising hard-working kids with manners and confidence.  Motherhood is not to be taken lightly—no ma’am!  But draw the line, hold the line and don’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself. 

 

It is not too late to reinvent yourself or find your old self.  You have many good years left to live life to the fullest.  You saw how fast the first 25 went; don’t let the next 25 slip away with nothing to show for it but an empty, broken heart and saggy hips. 

(mom and I in New York 2008)

We start ’em young in my boxing program

ab roller done correctly

We didn’t mean to…

but we match!